We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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