goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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