Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
