So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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