i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
