Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
