I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I did not marry a roomba.
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