I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize