Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
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Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
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So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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