Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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