im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
