Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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