I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
