I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
