dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
