I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
And then he peed in my hair
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