so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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