you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
