There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
