Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
