I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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