i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
