If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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