last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
