Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the condom got lost in my hair
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
