my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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