don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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