It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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