oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's official drugs can't kill me
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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