I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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