The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
