You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
