My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Send help, water and tortillas.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
