i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
