i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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