I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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