my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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