btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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