dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
