I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
