Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize