When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
