i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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