i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
