My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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