I will die if light touches me.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
