If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
