i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
