6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
