Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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