I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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