If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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