Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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