Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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